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Let’s do a monologue, shall we? But does that disgust you, Judge? I hope it did.
So as you know, people have been leaving the blue states in droves to come live here. Even AOC visited with her boyfriend, perhaps to air out his nasty feet. Look at those things. Last time I saw toes that ugly, I was watching “Jurassic Park.” And for the most part, lefty leaders are too stubborn to admit it’s their garbage policies that have sent people fleeing like Kat from the cops. Here’s New York Governor Kathy Hochul.
GOV. KATHY HOCHUL: Fighting to bring government back to the people and out of the hands of dictators. And we’re here to say that the era of Trump and Zeldin and Molinaro, just jump on a bus and head down to Florida where you belong. Okay? Get out of town. Get out of town because you don’t represent our values. You are not New Yorkers.
Well, we took her advice, and here we are. Let’s hope she didn’t follow us down here on her broomstick. But it seems a lot of people are taking her advice, just not about her eyebrows. It gives her that surprised look on her face, like when you accidentally sit down on a child’s toy. I said accidentally. Or maybe she’s as shocked as we are that she won. If those brows got any higher, they’ll turn into wings. But she’s the embodiment of the flaw in the Left’s thinking.
Everything they think should be a negative about Florida is something its people wear proudly, like a red, white and blue Speedo. For example, when Governor DeSantis ended the COVID lockdowns and opened back up businesses and schools, places like New York said, “You have blood on your hands, DeSatan. We’ve got to keep our kids at home and mask up and double mask if it’s on Zoom and triple mask if Jeffrey Toobin is on the call.”
GREG GUTFELD: ELON MUSK DOES EVERYTHING WITH THE DOOR OPEN
And while Florida was pushing to get kids into in-school learning, places like San Francisco were more into renaming schools to Che Guevara Elementary and Ho Chi Minh High. It sounds pretty good. The results: Florida is doing great, but kids in other states can’t add and subtract because they’re two grade levels behind. It’s so bad the average freshman is reading at a Joy Beyer level.
I just hired a sixth grader from Fort Lauderdale to manage my estate, which is mostly bronze coins from Roseland Capital. Thanks to Biden, my 401K is 401 not okay. The kids in lockdown states, well, they’re so stupid, this year’s most popular boy’s name was Bozo. But that’s what you get when you have a system that believes in government more than the people it governs.
But Florida is the opposite. It’s ground zero for parents rights. You don’t have a beef with drag queens. You just don’t want them in preschool teaching them to twerk, right? I say wait until it’s age appropriate, like the fifth grade, when liberal sex educators teach them to put a condom on a banana blindfolded. But if you want to have a voice in your brat’s education, in Florida, they’re on your side.
And what about law and order? During the hurricane, your governor backed citizens who stand their ground against looters. Who was that? Somebody had a coronary. Translation: shoot him if you got him. Which is the only way to reduce looting. Meanwhile, in other cities, they just redefined theft as redistribution, which is the gist for most leftism.
Meanwhile, in NYC, you drive into Times Square, you’ll see this sign. Yeah. Gun-free zone. And yet you can’t walk through Times Square without being assaulted by a Disney character. Thanks to bail reform, Mickey Mouse is back on the street before you can say Winnie the Pooh Pooh. And who is this sign for? The armed criminal? It can’t be because the average thug in New York can’t read since he likely went to their public schools.
It’s a perfect example of idiot liberalism. They create more laws for the law-abiding, unaware that criminals are defined by not following laws, especially when they’re never jailed. In NYC, you don’t just get a slap on the wrist when you’re caught, you get a pat on the back and released. Hell, I’ve used handcuffs more in my bedroom this year than the NYPD has all year. But that’s how. Hegseth likes it.
Also, you ever notice how people who hate Florida will say the state’s map looks like a penis? So what? Manhattan is shaped like a turd. The kind you see on the sidewalk outside Starbucks. They call that a venti. Florida has some great beaches full of hot babes and thongs, and thankfully, most of them are women. Now, nothing looks worse in a thong than a chick who has what looks like the outline of Florida in her banana hammock. In New York, though, the beaches are a cross between a sushi bar and a needle exchange program. We’re way past Hepatitis C. By now, it’s Hep L, M, N, O and P.
And last in Florida, you got gorgeous wildlife from tropical birds to delightful dolphins. In New York, you got pigeons with rapsheets, fish with Adderall addictions and rats with gang tattoos. And even they are thinking about retiring here. Can you blame them?